


four years

by paperxvalentines



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, So much angst, a lot of yelling basically, post 5sos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11644074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperxvalentines/pseuds/paperxvalentines
Summary: "We all played a part in the downfall of the band. We are all to blame.""You know you played the biggest part."alternatively, four years after 5SOS, Calum just wants to make things right, despite his past mistakes.





	four years

**Author's Note:**

> For some reason, I decided that I wanted to write a Cake fic. So I wrote a Cake fic.  
> This is super angsty, and a lot of it probably doesn't make sense, but hey. It's something, right?

When Luke woke up that chilly morning, he expected it to be another normal day. He'd brew his coffee as he'd rub at his eyes sleepily, then Petunia would follow him eagerly around the small kitchen as he'd fill her bowl while waiting for his toast.    


What he didn't expect was the knock on the door as he clicked his coffee machine on.   


"Just a minute!" he called out, frowning a little in confusion. He nearly tripped over Petunia in his rush to get to his room to grab a pair of shorts - he couldn't open the door in his underwear, especially when he had no idea who could be on the other side.   


And if Luke wasn't expecting the knock, then he definitely wasn't expecting to see  _ that  _ face standing behind it.   


He blinked in confusion, then rubbed his eyes some more. When he opened them again, the familiar face was still there, wearing an unsure smile.     


"Calum?"   


The brunet shrugged, keeping both hands in his jeans pockets. "The one and only."   


"What the hell are you doing here?”   


"I- Uh... It’s a long story."   


So Luke let him in, watching curiously as he toed his shoes off and hung up his scarf and jacket, as though this was a normal occurrence.

Luke followed quietly as Calum made his way to the worn out couch, Petunia jumping up beside him as soon as he made himself comfortable. Neither of them talked for a minute: Luke was busy wondering  _ what _ he could say.

“You’re looking good,” Calum finally said when Luke sat down on the purple beanbag lying beside the TV. 

Luke took a breath. “You came to my apartment, at- 9AM on a Saturday morning, after not speaking to me for four years to tell me I’m  _ looking good _ ?”

Calum was visibly taken aback by Luke’s forwardness, but Luke didn’t feel bad. He was confused and groggy, and he definitely did not understand what the hell was going on.

“Coffee?” Luke then asked when it was evident that Calum didn’t have a response for him.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Luke then got up, made his way to the kitchen, and pulled two cups out of the shelf. He placed them on the marble counter, the clinking the only noise filling the small room.

He felt surreal. He should just march up to Calum and ask for an explanation. Why did he even let him in without asking in the first place?

But he did. He couldn’t change the past. He  _ had _ let Calum in, and although Luke had changed since the last time he had seen the brunet, he wasn’t going to kick him out.

Luke realised he lost himself in his thoughts when he heard a cough behind him, and turned around to see Calum standing there, expectant eyes on Luke.

“Uh, sorry,” Luke muttered, turning back around and pouring the coffee into the two cups. He handed one to the brunet, before saying, “You know where everything is. Nothing’s changed.”

The side of Calum’s lips quirked up for a second, and Luke knew why.  _ Nothing’s changed. _ Everything had changed, and they both knew it. 

Calum took a seat at the plain white counter while Luke leaned against the sink behind it, taking in Calum’s appearance. He still looked pretty much the same, except for his hair, which had just gotten more unruly over the years. On closer inspection, Luke realised that he also looked tired, not just due to the fact that it was early in the morning, but something much deeper that Luke hoped he would not have to get into.

“I went to see Michael yesterday,” Calum finally said, breaking the awkward silence between them. “And I’m going to see Ashton tomorrow, since he’s finally back in Australia.”

“How’s Michael?” Luke asked curiously. 

“He’s… Good.” Calum nodded, looking at his cup instead of Luke. “But it’s not like… I mean, I still keep in touch with him. So, you know. I didn’t really have to go see him.”

Luke sighed, tired of beating around the bush. “Are you getting married? Are you- are you dying?” he asked, restlessness evident in his voice. “I’d really like to understand what’s going on here.”

“No, neither.” Calum sighed, finally looking up at Luke. “I’m- I don’t really- There’s no specific reason as to why I’m here. I just- Luke, it’s been four years since Five S- Since the band ended. And… Four years is a long time to think. It’s… I’m tired of having bad blood between us. I know we disagreed over many things, but it was so long ago…”

Luke pursed his lips. “Calum… It was more than just  _ disagreeing _ on things.”

“I know that.” Calum’s gaze didn’t falter. “But I think it’s  _ dumb. _ How can- How can you be okay with never speaking to us again?”

“I speak to Ashton,” Luke replied immediately, arms crossing on his chest defensively. “And Mikey occasionally. He likes to send me memes.”

Calum snorted, then took a sip of his coffee. When he spoke again, his tone was more serious than before. “So it seems like I’m the only one you’re not speaking to.”

Luke resisted rolling his eyes. “You say that as though you’re surprised.”

“I’m- Well, I’m a bit surprised Mikey still talks to you. I figured… I figured he’d cut you off, just like he did with Ashton.”

“But you know why that happened,” Luke pointed out, running a hand through his hair. “The band was Mikey’s life, and when Ashton left…”

“I know,” Calum muttered. “I know it was a mess, and I know the damage Ashton left behind. I  _ was _ there, you know.”

Luke didn’t resist the urge this time, and rolled his eyes, looking away from Calum. “Why don’t you let this all go? The band’s gone, Calum, and there’s no way we’re going to be coming back. Mikey’s new band is doing phenomenally, and Ashton’s off doing Ashton things.” He looked back at the brunet. “We’re  _ all _ better off on our own path.”

“It doesn’t mean we can’t be there for one another,” Calum countered, causing Luke to sigh. He knew a lengthy argument was coming. “It doesn’t mean we can’t- we can’t be friends again. Luke, the four of us… We went through hell and back. We know each other better than anyone else-”

“I don’t know you, Calum,” Luke snapped, the frustration that had been growing inside him finally coming to light. “The things you said, Calum, the things you did… You were my bo- my best friend, my bandmate, the one person I trusted with the  _ world _ . But you changed, Calum. You changed and you became a stranger to me. So don’t come into my home as though you did nothing wrong, because all of us know that you were essential to the downfall of the band.”

Luke watched as Calum processed what had just been thrown at him, wide-eyed. He swallowed, then met Luke’s blue eyes. “That’s- That’s not fair, and you know it. We  _ all _ played a part in the downfall of the band. We are all to blame. Ashton left because he couldn’t take the fame, Mikey couldn’t function with the new drummer, and you - god, Luke, don’t get me started on the things  _ you _ did-”

“You  _ know  _ you played the biggest part in the downfall of our band. Actually, wait. I can’t expect you to remember.”

“What is  _ that _ supposed to mean?”

Luke laughed bitterly, and shook his head. “The drugs, Calum.”

Calum stayed quiet, which only motivated Luke to continue. “God, you did everything under the sun. The weed was nothing, we were all fine with that, but then after the acid, and the coke, it was just… Downhill. And I couldn’t follow you down, Calum, I tried to keep my head above the water, I tried to help you, and for what? For Ashton to leave. For Mikey to have a mental breakdown. And for you to just keep falling and falling and-”

“I get it!” Calum snapped, standing up. “I know what I did, and I regret every decision I made when it comes to that. But- But you weren’t exactly  _ helpful, _ Luke. Of course I wasn’t going to fucking go to rehab the first time you asked me!”

“I thought-” Luke tugged at his hair slightly. “God, I thought that you’d do it for me, I thought you loved me enough for that-”

“I did, Luke, I loved you so  _ fucking much  _ that every time you pleaded with me to go to rehab, I wanted it a little more. Every time you asked me to get help, I was slowly getting more strength to let go of the substances, but then you  _ left  _ me to fend for myself, and-”

“Don’t you dare blame this on me!” Luke was fuming by that time. Hand gestures accentuated his words as he continued, “No one can help you but yourself, you made that very clear! And don’t give me that “I loved you so much” bullshit because I don’t believe it, not anymore.”

“You don’t believe it because you never loved me as much as I loved you,” Calum hissed, fire behind his eyes. “Fucking hell, I’m not  _ blaming _ you, I know it was hard for you to stick around, and I can’t imagine the pain you felt, but you leaving just- Just fucked me up even more, Luke. How was I supposed to get better when I started seeing you with  _ him  _ every day, you loving him and caring for him more than you ever cared for me? That would drive anyone mad!”

Luke took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from simply lunging at Calum. “Why did you even come here, then? Why did you come here if you resent me so fucking much?”

“I don’t, that’s the thing! I don’t resent you, even though I should! I resent every decision I made when it came to the drugs, I resent Ashton for leaving the band, but I don’t resent you! I just- I need you to see things from my perspective, too!”

Luke then frowned, and didn’t reply immediately. He had to take a minute to process Calum’s words: Calum couldn’t have helped himself without support. He could make sense of that much. But Calum didn’t resent him? That was something that was harder to wrap his head around.

“I know that leaving you was, well, not a mistake, per se, but I know that it probably wasn’t the best thing to do in that situation,” Luke finally said, much calmer than he originally was. “But I couldn’t stay to watch you destroy yourself. I was scared, Calum, I was scared that I was going to fall down the same dark hole you were in, and then who would come pick us out, hunh? Ashton was long gone by then, and certainly not Michael, we all know he had his own set of issues to deal with.”

Calum sighed, and sat back down on the stool, reaching for his cup of now lukewarm coffee. “We were all fucked up, to various degrees,” he murmured, eyes not meeting Luke’s anymore. “I was the most fucked up. I know that, I’ve come to accept it. But I want to make things right, Luke. I didn’t come here to yell at you, or to blame you for the things I did willingly. I came here so that I could reconnect with the person who has made the most impact on my life.”

Luke didn’t realise how tense he was until his shoulders fell and he took a deep breath. “I- I don’t know, Calum.”

“I’ve been sober for three years,” Calum stated, pleading eyes meeting Luke’s gaze once again. “I’ve been sober and I’ve been longing for the friendship we used to have. Luke, you were- Before the fame became too much, before the drugs, you were the one thing that kept me sane. And after we really made it as a band, after everything just spiralled out of control, sanity is what I missed the most.  _ You _ were what I missed the most. I figured that after four years, maybe… Maybe it’s time to at least attempt to regain some sense of balance in my life, which only you can bring.”

Luke bit his lower lip. “I’m going to have to think about it, Calum.”

Calum nodded, then downed the rest of his coffee before standing up. “Well, I’m going to- I’m going to head out. I don’t think there’s much left to say.”

Luke nodded silently, and followed Calum to the front door. He watched as he put his jacket and scarf back on, then his shoes, and with a final rub of Petunia’s head, he bid Luke goodbye.

Luke stood at the door and watched him walk down the hallway, the soft morning sunlight a stark contrast against his dark clothes. It was only once the elevator doors had closed behind him that Luke reentered his apartment, shutting the door softly and leaning against it.

He closed his eyes, feeling Petunia settle down at his feet, and took another deep breath. This morning had been entirely too emotionally taxing on him, and although most of him wanted nothing to do with Calum, a small part of him knew that he wasn’t going to let the brunet go again.

He didn’t know what was going to happen next. There were so many unanswered questions and unsolved problems between all of them, not just Calum and Luke, but for the first time in four years, Luke felt like maybe, just maybe, things were looking up for them.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually write oneshots so I may or may not write a second part to this mess.


End file.
